ATTENTION! - DO NOT SKIP OVER THIS VIDEO EVEN IF IT HAS NO RELEVANCE TO YOU. ALL I ASK IS THAT YOU WATCH IT WITH AN OPEN HEART. PLEASE.
He paid the ultimate price for you. You owe him your life. I know I do….Just something to think about.
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Good morning Caleb,
Today is a brand new day. Let us see what it brings shall we. Yesterday we went trick or treating with sissy and I will be honest with you. I had a hard time enjoying myself. All I could seem to think about was you. All of those other people who had their cute little babies with them, all dressed up in their cute little costumes. You could hear all of the remarks people were making about those babies. I seen people pushing strollers. I seen little babies who wanted out of their strollers so they could walk around like big kids. Their was even a baby in front of us whose little sister and brother were helping them walk. My hands felt so empty without a stroller to push around as well. Sissy was busy off doing her own thing, really not paying a whole lot of attention to us. I felt so cold and alone. Like I was not supposed to be there, like nobody wanted me there. It was extremely hard for me to shake that feeling. I was ready to go home the minute we got there. If Halloween is this tough for me, how is Christmas going to be? It is a good thing that I have God beside me, along with mommy, bubby and sissy. Even still I know that it is going to be super tough on me. I prayed for the peace of God’s wonderful love and he came through for me. While we were setting down for a break by the playground equipment sissy walked up to me and said, “daddy will you teeter-totter with me?” I instantly felt awash in the overflowing grace of God.
Today is a brand new day……..
I Love you like a fat kid loves cake,
Daddy
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Good morning Caleb,
Hey there big boy. You know I sure do miss you. Mommy and I were just talking about you yesterday. How when we were trick or treating last year you did not want to sit in that God forsaken stroller. But you know what, we did not feel like chasing you all over the place. That is the beauty of strollers. So what did we do to keep you calm? We gave you your favorite. Suckers! We were trick or treating so we had plenty of those.
When we were at the funeral yesterday seeing Grandpa Jack, I could not help but seeing you there. I was in my seat watching him in the casket and suddenly I was swept back to the day that it was you up there. I started to cry. I was grieving for the both of you. Something strange happened though. It was as if there was a calm presence over me, like you and Grandpa Jack were right behind me with your hands on my shoulder. ”Don’t be sad.” I felt real comfort inside. I was allowed to grieve, more important I actually knew what my grief entailed. For the first time I actually felt real sympathy in my heart for the bereaved.
Jack was a good ole man, and he will always be in my heart. You and God take care of him okay. Welcome him to heaven, for he is home now. Well that pretty much sums it up. It feels really, really good to talk to you again. I will always and forever love you. Now go and have an awesome day in heaven you little squirt. Be have yourself, or my size 10 1/2 will find it’s place.
I love you like a fat kid loves cake,
Daddy
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Good morning Caleb,
I am still here bubby. I can honestly say that we have just about served our purpose with these letters. Or have we? Heck, I do not know. I am just going to do what feels right in my heart at the moment. Today has surprisingly been a really good day so far. As you know I have been pretty angry and sad over the past few days. I really could not tell you why either. I do know that it feels really good to be back. Wait a minute, did you just hear that? I guess these letters are working for me. It is no wonder that it feels so good to set down and speak my mind to you.
Anyhow why don’t I catch you up to speed on things. Today is a very important day in our family. We had someone very close to us pass away on Monday night, so his funeral is today. To play it safe we will just call him Grandpa Jack. He was 85 years old. He served several years in the United States Air Force during World War II. You already know who I talking about don’t you? I can see him standing right there beside you. Wait a minute, he is holding you. You both have really big smiles planted on your faces. So we are getting ready to go and see him at the funeral home. Service is in just a couple of hours. So that is what we are doing today.
A couple of days ago sissy had a costume party that she went to at the library. Well she was dressed up as a little vampire. She won first place. She received a Alvin and the Chipmunks movie. In fact if you will just look down at the bottom of the page I will show you a picture of her. In a couple of days, we will be going to do the trick or treating thing and we will be left with more candy than we know what to do with. I think maybe we will save it all for next year so that we can pass it out during trick or treating. Just kidding silly boy, we are gonna eat it of course! Isn’t that what you kids like to do with it? I sure know that I do. At the top of the page is a picture of you while we were trick or treating last year. It sure will be different without you this year, but I know that it will be ok.
Well that pretty much sums up today’s letter to you bubby. I need to go and get ready to go to the funeral home. I will talk to you later.
I love you like a fat kid loves cake,
Daddy
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I bet you are all wondering how we are doing or where I have been. Well have no fear, I am still here. Over the past week or so, I have reached a new milestone in my grief. I have realized that this is all real. Caleb is not here with me anymore. He is not coming back, I just have to accept it. Was writing letters to him a way of denying this whole thing? Was it my little fairy tale to sugar coat the reality of this whole situation. Those letters seem as if they were just some kind of phase. Used to, I would set down and write those letters and I would feel just fine afterwords. I felt connected to Caleb. If I just keep writing these letters to him he will always be around and I wont have to let him go. When in all reality, I need to let him go. It is holding back my grieving process. Or is it? I am just so confused. I pray everyday that God gives me strength to move on in my life but it just seems as if he is no longer there for me. I feel as if the ship I was on has sunk and now I am marooned on a deserted isle. Where the hell are you Lord? I am so pissed at you right now. Why do I deserve this? Why do I set down in front of this computer to write something to my loyal readers and I cannot deliver. Am I supposed to just give up? There are so many questions that I have. I can only imagine what my loving wife is going through in her grief. All I know is that I am glad I have her. This post is not going to have any order, so please forgive me. I am just using this as a place to vent because I know that there are so many of you out there that have great advice for me. I am business to help people with this blog, but I need you today. For the next five minutes. For the next week. Who knows how long I will feel like this.
You see this gravestone? That is my little man. He is not coming back. Some people make the mistake of thinking that losing a child is just like losing anybody else that is close to you. But it is not. In fact this is in a different world of its own. I have experienced loss my entire life. It is what I am here on earth for, to learn how to cope with loss. I have never in my life experienced loss like this before. Wanna read another story of loss in my life. Check out this link. It has been hiding away for a few years now. I have not touched it in a while, but it too has a story of struggle. Justin’s Letters To me, my life has been filled with a ton of adversity for my young age. It seems as if every time I face one of these situations. I always turn to writing and God. Maybe I am here to inspire you. I just know that along my path in life I have always been about helping others when they are in need. Oh the plans God has for me. I am so glad that I chose to walk the very narrow path in life. I am standing up here on top of the mountain on my way to heaven shouting down at people on the wrong road, but they are not listening to me. Kinda like Noah. Everybody just laughed at him, but in the end he had the last laugh now didn’t he. Thank you for reading this today. Go check that other blog. Don’t bother leaving comments, as I will not be checking on them. This is where you should leave comments. God Bless each and every one of you and I hope you continue to follow me on this extremely difficult time in my life. One day we will all meet in that awesome place called Heaven. We will see those beautiful streets of gold that the Lord is preparing for us. I will introduce you to my son Caleb. Holly I know that you are reading this and I want you to know that even though this road we are on has no room for two people on it. So what I need you to do is hop on my back and I will carry you. You are a true blessing to me from God and I will spend every moment of my life treating you as such. I LOVE YOU!!!!!
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Jeffrey Miskell
mtsweat
