A Little Visit

Dear Caleb,

It has been a very long time since I last wrote to you.  But you know that I have certainly not forgotten about you.  I just wanted to drop by and say hi to you and to tell you that I love you still with my whole heart.  I still miss you deeply, but I have been busy with mommy, sissy and bubby.  We have all built a very good life for ourselves from the blessing that God has given us.  We have been spending our time getting to know the Lord better so that we can have a spot right beside you in Heaven.  I do not know when I will take the time to write to you again.  Just know one thing.  You are always welcome back home to pay us a “little visit.”  Thank you so much for being so understanding sorry to bother you.

I love you like a fat kid loves cake,

Daddy

Changes

Dear Caleb,

It sure has been a long time since I last wrote to you.  You know, I think that for some strange reason your death has really changed who I am as a person.  I wish I had more to write but I just don’t right now.

I love you like a fat kid loves cake,

Daddy

A Unique Christmas

 

 

 

 

 

Caleb,

     This has been one of the most unique Christmas’ I have ever in my life have had.  It has been one filled with numerous emotions.  Ranging anywhere from extremely happy, to sad.  From being extremely angry and impatient to kind hearted and loving.  Tears were shed and laughter was heard.  There were feelings of togetherness as we celebrated with our family.  Then there were feelings of great loneliness.  Yet, this year was really calm and organized.  That is very strange for this time of the year.  There was just a peace in the air that was like no other.  I can honestly say that despite the circumstances this was the best Christmas I have ever had in my life. 

     I really feel the presence of the Lord on this day bubby.  It is almost as if he has reached his hand down from heaven and he is gently guiding us along.  There is a story that leads up to these calm and docile feelings that I have.  It all started several days ago when you came to visit me in my dream.  You know the one where I was lying in bed half awake, half asleep.  Suddenly I seen a really bright light come over my eyelids.  It seemed as if it was the morning sun shining in my face.  I remember very vividly, I was in a really bright room.  I sat up and looked around, I noticed a window right behind me.  There was bright sunshine radiating through.  As my eyes came into focus, I saw you looking in the window at me.  You had the biggest smile on your face.  We connected in that dream on a level that I have never connected with you before.  I knew right then and there that you were okay.  I felt a great peace come over me.  It was such a great experience I had to tell mommy.  Later on that day we received a great blessing from the Lord.  I cannot even begin to tell you or even explain the great work the Lord is doing through me. 

     As today grew closer and closer I did not have the feelings of missing you, I knew that you were right here with me.  You are in my heart.  There is a place there for you that you can call home always and forever.  I will hide you there and with the power of God’s love I will go on in this world changing lives one at a time.  Before I close this letter to you, I want to share a poem with you that expresses my love and devotion to God, you, our family and everybody else in this world who needs a shoulder to lean on.

 

Christmas time has come and passed,

it seems as if another year is gone away so fast.

Before you know it, it will be time to do it all over again,

then another new year will begin.

However there is one thing that will never change,

spending each new year without you and how it feels so strange.

I know that you will always be there in my heart,

nothing in this world will ever break those feelings apart.

What is it that helps me get through all of this you ask,

it is all about God and his great task.

A heavenly mission that was set out for me from day I was born,

one I will carry on with even after being broken, battered and torn.

You see in order for you to see God through me,

I have had to lose things so dear and close to me.

But if that means that you will be in heaven with me someday,

I will lose everything for you just to show you the way.

                             ….Merry Christmas….Jeffrey

     Well that is it bubby, I really hope that you have had an awesome Christmas.  I know that I have.

I love you like a fat kid loves cake,

Daddy

 

Helping Hand

Caleb,

     How are you doing this evening?   Today is the end of it.  It will be time to go back to work again.  I am in for a long weekend, but there will be sweet victory on Monday.  Back at home relaxing around the warm glow of my kerosene heater with a hot cup of coffee in my hands.  Wearing my robe whilst staring at a blank computer screen waiting for the Lord to speak with me.

     I had an unusual experience over the past day.  I saw a particular person that was in need of some uplifting.  So I reached out.  In that process I was exposed to such a raw story of the grief she has for her brother.  I mean she really poured it out to me.  In the end, allowing her to do such a thing was what she had needed all along.  I am so glad the Lord led me to do that.  To see someone in such pain, only to see her rise up from the ashes and take another step forward.  I simply love what the blog is starting to accomplish.  If there were another time that this particular person would like to send another email just to vent some more she would be welcome to. 

     Well I think that it is time to shut this down for the evening.  It is time to go to bed so that I can go to work tomorrow.  I will be thinking a lot about you.  I will be waiting for your next appearance.  When you do show up a dull day can suddenly turn bright.  I love having you as my angel.  You will always be my little blessing.

I love you like a fat kid loves cake,

Daddy

    

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Struggling Through, But Still Thankful

Good morning Caleb,

     Well it is finally that time of day again.  WORK!  For those of us that still understand that a good hard days work is worth it when you can look back and see all that you have earned.  Loafing is just out of the question.  Okay now on to a language that you can understand.  How is a three year old supposed to understand all of that mumbo jumbo?  I guess that I am just ranting and raving a bit.

     Missing you is not the only trouble I am facing this holiday season.  Yes there is more on my plate.  My mother in law is struggling to find shelter and the two grown men she has living with her are not doing a whole lot for her.  She also refuses to do any for herself.  It is painful to set and watch that while not being able to do anything about it.  The other is that bubby does not get to come home for Christmas this year.  But you know, somehow by the grace of our loving God I am able to maintain somewhat of a happiness.  Which leads me to my next point.

     I am so very thankful to have you and God. The both of you are working so many miracles in the life of my family.  I know that today I am going to think a lot about you and bubby, I can just feel it.  It is going to drag me down a bit.  But I will soldier on through my day because that is what I must do.  I just want the whole world to know how much I love you.  How much I miss you.  I just want to stand up on top of the tallest mountain and scream, “I LOVE YOU CALEB.”  Well that time has come, I need to get ready to leave and earn today’s wages.  Because I to am just a paycheck away from being in trouble myself.

I love you like a fat kid loves cake,

Daddy

Wounds Will Heal

Good morning Caleb,

     Wow!  Thank you for that letter.  I was not expecting that at all.  But see the thing is, we knew you were okay all along.  I am sure we will continue to be sad even as the wounds heal.  Nothing will ever amount to losing you.  It has been the hardest thing that we have had to contend with in our lives so far.  One day though, I do believe that these wounds will get smaller and all that will be left is warm fuzzy memories of you.  Making it there is going to take a lot of work on our part.  So please, bear with us when we do get sad.  We really miss you.

     Yesterday was Childrens Memorial Day.  All around the world between the hours of 7 p.m. and 8 p.m. mommy’s and daddy’s around the world lit candles in remembrance of their passed children.  A poem was also recited while doing this.  Did you see yours?

I love you like a fat kid loves cake,

Daddy

A Day of Remembrance

Good morning Caleb,

     “Ahhhhhh,”  the taste of a nice refreshing cup of coffee early in the morning.  “Oh!”  hey Caleb.  How is my little man this morning?  I am going to go and light a candle for you today, want to come?  A bunch of other mommy’s and daddy’s will be there to.  I bet you are friends with some of their children.  Heck, you are probably friends with all of them.  Anyhow, there is a ceremony that we are having today for all of you.  It is designed to bring together the mommy’s and daddy’s who have lost their children.  Pretty neat huh?  I think so.  See you there.  Oh yeah,  I am going to take that picture of you staring up at Jesus.  It is my favorite.

                                                                                       

I love you like a fat kid loves cakes,

Daddy

My Little Helper

 

Good morning Caleb,

     How are you doing on this fine morning?  Did you know that Christmas time is right around the corner?  We finally have all of our Christmas shopping done.  We did something a little different this year, I think that we are going to adopt this in the future.  There is a special tree that has the names of little boys and girls whose parents cannot afford to give them a good Christmas.  It is at a local department store.  So in honor of you we took a name off of the tree.  Needless to say that little boy is going to have a good Christmas this year.  We bought him this cool little outfit and a little computer that teaches the ABC’s.  You know and it felt really good to do that.  The whole time we were looking for these presents I felt you right beside me.  Thank you for helping us pick out those toys.  I know that little boy will love them.  I love you more than words can express son, you really have had a major impact on our lives.  So do me a favor.  Stay really close by us, at least until Christmas rolls by.  Can you do that?  It will most definitely make things more bearable.  You must ask God first though.  If he needs you, you better stay.  His work is far more important than mine is.

I love you like a fat kid loves cake,

Daddy

    

An Answered Prayer

 

Good morning Caleb,

     Boy I tell you it sure does feel good to be back here writing with you again.  I started to write you a letter yesterday while I was a work but I ran out of time.  For some reason yesterday was one of those days.  It seemed as if nothing in the world could cheer me up.  No matter matter how hard I tried to think about it I could not figure out where these feelings were coming from.  I resorted to praying.  I spent a few moments with the Lord to see if his loving grace could cheer me up.  I waited for the blessing but never received it.  So I went on with the rest of the day and finally it was time to go home.  Those feelings were still with me.  As I got closer to home the vision of my lovely wife and our beautiful daughter became stronger and stronger.  I turned the corner and seen the house.  The Christmas lights were all lit up, and suddenly I had a very warm feeling come over me.  The Lord may have not answered my prayer right there at that very moment, but he did in due time.  I really love you son, and I love the Lord as well.  We all do. It is really nice to hear sissy sing Christian music.  Well that pretty much sums it up for right now.  Just wanted to say hi to you and tell you I loved you.  One day we will be together again.  I know it.  We all will.  Well you go on now, have an awesome day in heaven and I will talk to you later.

I love you like a fat kid loves cake,

Daddy

A Fresh Start

Good morning Caleb, 

 Today is a brand new day.  Let us see what it brings shall we.  Yesterday we went trick or treating with sissy and I will be honest with you.  I had a hard time enjoying myself.  All I could seem to think about was you.  All of those other people who had their cute little babies with them, all dressed up in their cute little costumes.  You could hear all of the remarks people were making about those babies.  I seen people pushing strollers.  I seen little babies who wanted out of their strollers so they could walk around like big kids.  Their was even a baby in front of us whose little sister and brother were helping them walk.  My hands felt so empty without a stroller to push around as well.  Sissy was busy off doing her own thing, really not paying a whole lot of attention to us.  I felt so cold and alone.  Like I was not supposed to be there, like nobody wanted me there.  It was extremely hard for me to shake that feeling.  I was ready to go home the minute we got there.  If Halloween is this tough for me, how is Christmas going to be?  It is a good thing that I have God beside me, along with mommy, bubby and sissy.  Even still I know that it is going to be super tough on me.  I prayed for the peace of God’s wonderful love and he came through for me.  While we were setting down for a break by the playground equipment sissy walked up to me and said, “daddy will you teeter-totter with me?”  I instantly felt awash in the overflowing grace of God.

Today is a brand new day……..

I Love you like a fat kid loves cake, 

Daddy

 

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