Good morning Caleb,
What is this feeling that I have over me? Why can I not shake it? I am caught in the middle of emotions. One side of me is angry and sad while the other side is happy and wants to push forward. Bubby, I need you now more than I ever have needed you. I miss you so much. It really ticks me off how long I must wait to see your face again. I need someone to rough house with. I need someone to chase through the house. I need someone to slam their food down on the table when they don’t want it. I need someone to tuck into bed at night and read a story to. I need someone to bug the crap out of me and never leave me alone. I need someone to wear the cool little outfits I pick out from the store. I need someone to lay on the floor and watch Barney. More than anything, I need you.
God I am looking up to you now. Will you please give me strength that I need. Please move me through this part of my grief rather quickly. Just grab my hand and run with me, take me away from this. I desire to be happy again. I know that there is a lesson that I must learn here, but may I be frank with you. “IT SUCKS!” “I DON’T WANNA LEARN THIS STUPID LESSON!” “I AM A GREAT FATHER TO MY CHILDREN, AND I LOVE YOU!” “I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU HAVE CHOSEN ME FOR THIS LESSON!” “BUT, WHAT EVER FATHER, YOU HAVE COMPLETE CONTROL OF ME!” “I TRUST YOU ARE LEADING ME IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION!”
Bubby, I have a feeling that God has huge plans for me. He is training me for something. He is preparing my heart for something. I just don’t quite know what it is yet. As I look back on my life, every trial that I have faced has given way to something new and fresh. The taste of it is a little sweeter every time. The only bad thing about this path of life that I have chosen for myself is that every good thing eventually comes to an end. As for where this situation fits at in my life. I don’t know, I am clueless. The only bright light I see at this point is Jesus. It is so beautiful I cannot help but to follow it. One day I will finally catch up with that light. Once I do, the first thing I will do is look for you.
Okay I feel a little better now. I need to go ahead and get my day going so I will talk to you later okay. Have yourself an awesome day and I will most definitely be thinking of you.
I love you like a fat kid loves cake.
Copyright© 2011, A Father’s Love