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My Grief is Changing

25 Oct

I bet you are all wondering how we are doing or where I have been.  Well have no fear, I am still here.  Over the past week or so, I have reached a new milestone in my grief.  I have realized that this is all real.  Caleb is not here with me anymore.  He is not coming back, I just have to accept it.  Was writing letters to him a way of denying this whole thing?  Was it my little fairy tale to sugar coat the reality of this whole situation.  Those letters seem as if they were just some kind of phase.  Used to, I would set down and write those letters and I would feel just fine afterwords.  I felt connected to Caleb.  If I just keep writing these letters to him he will always be around and I wont have to let him go.  When in all reality, I need to let him go.  It is holding back my grieving process.  Or is it?  I am just so confused.  I pray everyday that God gives me strength to move on in my life but it just seems as if he is no longer there for me.  I feel as if the ship I was on has sunk and now I am marooned on a deserted isle.  Where the hell are you Lord?  I am so pissed at you right now.  Why do I deserve this?  Why do I set down in front of this computer to write something to my loyal readers and I cannot deliver.  Am I supposed to just give up?  There are so many questions that I have.  I can only imagine what my loving wife is going through in her grief.  All I know is that I am glad I have her.  This post is not going to have any order, so please forgive me.  I am just using this as a place to vent because I know that there are so many of you out there that have great advice for me.  I am business to help people with this blog, but I need you today.  For the next five minutes.  For the next week.  Who knows how long I will feel like this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

You see this gravestone?  That is my little man.  He is not coming back.  Some people make the mistake of thinking that losing a child is just like losing anybody else that is close to you.  But it is not.  In fact this is in a different world of its own.  I have experienced loss my entire life.  It is what I am here on earth for, to learn how to cope with loss.  I have never in my life experienced loss like this before.  Wanna read another story of loss in my life.  Check out this link.  It has been hiding away for a few years now.  I have not touched it in a while, but it too has a story of struggle.  Justin’s Letters   To me, my life has been filled with a ton of adversity for my young age.  It seems as if every time I face one of these situations.  I always turn to writing and God.  Maybe I am here to inspire you.  I just know that along my path in life I have always been about helping others when they are in need.  Oh the plans God has for me.  I am so glad that I chose to walk the very narrow path in life.  I am standing up here on top of the mountain on my way to heaven shouting down at people on the wrong road, but they are not listening to me.  Kinda like Noah.  Everybody just laughed at him, but in the end he had the last laugh now didn’t he.  Thank you for reading this today.  Go check that other blog.  Don’t bother leaving comments, as I will not be checking on them.  This is where you should leave comments.  God Bless each and every one of you and I hope you continue to follow me on this extremely difficult time in my life.  One day we will all meet in that awesome place called Heaven.  We will see those beautiful streets of gold that the Lord is preparing for us.  I will introduce you to my son Caleb.  Holly I know that you are reading this and I want you to know that even though this road we are on has no room for two people on it.  So what I need you to do is hop on my back and I will carry you.  You are a true blessing to me from God and I will spend every moment of my life treating you as such.  I LOVE YOU!!!!!

 

 
11 Comments

Posted by on October 25, 2011 in Random Stuff From the Soul

 

11 responses to “My Grief is Changing

  1. Bonnie Dean

    October 25, 2011 at 10:24 am

    hey, good morning…read your blog for today and the letter to Justin from 08. so glad that he’s back in your life. Continue to put one foot in front of the other, one day at a time or just for 5 minutes. the offer we gave yesterday was sincere…call if you want.

     
  2. Ephesians 5:16

    October 25, 2011 at 11:43 am

    Jeffrey: As I read your post today, my heart ached with you. As a grieving father also, I come along side of you and say that I experience similar emotions and thoughts. I am finding grief to be very unpredictable, even moment by moment. I don’t have any great advice to offer you – only to press into the Father. There are days when I struggle to feel Him and to be honest don’t want to (this morning was one of those times). But, He promises not to let us go. Don’t give up! Isn’t it wonderful that our God can redeem our past for His glory? Continue to seek Him daily and proclaim His grace through Jesus Christ to all of us who are reading. Continue to love your wife and lead her as you follow Christ (again, something I struggled with even today).

    Just know that you are not alone in this struggle. I will pray for you. I will look forward to meeting Caleb and I hope to introduce you to my Isaac.
    Andy

     
  3. aunt mary

    October 25, 2011 at 3:11 pm

    just want to say I love you guys and am here for you I kinda know how you feel not exactly I hope you know that even though I didnt have a bond with Caleb like you I do love and miss his and yes I cry often thinking about him I talk to his picture everyday what I mean about kinda knowing how you feel is the situation with the girls I love you guys with all my heart and my heart breaks for you I dont know what I would do if put in the shoes you are in the writting is a way of healing so I have heard but please know I am here for you guys love always and forever
    mary

     
  4. mtsweat

    October 25, 2011 at 6:11 pm

    Great words from Bonnie, Jeffrey.

    Trust me when I tell you, I have no answers. I wish I did. I wish I could give a great biblical answer for what you and your family are enduring. But I can’t, and I don’t think anyone else can either. Because we just don’t know. We just don’t understand. One day we will. And on that day, I hope to be standing in the audience that is given the meaning for your excruciating loss. I hope I’m nearby when Jesus says, “Look at all that I accomplished with what hurt so bad.”

    I encourage you with this. Jesus loves you and your family. So much, that He endured the full wrath of God on your behalf. Remember Caleb. He lives on in you, and your words. Because of your remembrance of Caleb, I know him too. And so do a whole lot of other people who are praying for your strength and your family’s strength also. And trust Jesus. Trust Him even when absolutely nothing makes sense. Because He will be there for you.

    God bless you my good friend, our prayers are filled with tears for you tonight.

     
  5. Jeffrey Miskell

    October 25, 2011 at 8:25 pm

    Thanks to each and everyone of you for your great compassion for my family and I. This is what I do this for. I just want you all to know that on behalf of my family and Caleb. I love each and every one of you. God Bless….Jeffrey Miskell

     
  6. April

    October 25, 2011 at 10:39 pm

    Jeffrey,
    I do not know what you and your wife are going through. It scares me to even try because I am afraid I would not be able to survive a grief that deep. I so greatly appreciate the fact that you are honest and open. I wish I could say something insightful about God and how He can handle your anger and how He can share your grief, but nothing I say will take away your pain. The best I can do right now is say, “I’m listening,” (or reading) and I will continue to pray for you and your family. Take care…
    April

     
    • Jeffrey Miskell

      October 26, 2011 at 7:21 am

      Thank you for your listening ear. Thank you for being there. God Bless you.

       
  7. lightandsalvation

    October 26, 2011 at 4:57 pm

    Jeffery,

    I can’t imagine what it is like to lose a child like you have. As others have said, I don’t know what words can I give to help you, because I simply cannot understand why this is allowed to occur. All I can offer is what has helped me through my grieving process after losing a family member and my prayer is that God will give you and your family peace and comfort.

    Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” We need to give everything to God. We need to rely on His strength to get through the tough times, because we can’t do it on our own. We are just not strong enough, but the strength of Jesus Christ is strong enough. This is the only way that we can have the peace of God which surpasses all understanding. We may never know why God allows horrible things to happen to us and others who love Him. It is even more difficult to understand why God allows these things to happen to children. However, we need to trust that His will is perfect and ask for His peace.

    We will be praying for you and your family as you continue through this process. Just know that God has and will use Caleb’s life in more ways than you can imagine, and your blog posts are evidence of that.

    God Bless!!

     
  8. Kate Kresse

    October 28, 2011 at 4:20 am

    Jeffrey—you are right. There is no pain like the loss of a child. My husband and I lost a child, too. This feeling you have today in your heart and mind is another wave of horrible grief. You are in our prayers. God will see you through it even though you are angry with Him. There is no logical flow to grief. Yes, Caleb is gone. Yes you are here. Yes, the rest of your family is here. All I can say is reach out to each other the very best you can….you each grieve differently, and it may seem like the other person is unfeeling at times….try the best you can to communicate with each other. don’t worry about the flow and wording of your blog posts. Just post. Sometimes you need to write so you can quantify what you feel and know what your jumbled thoughts are. We wish you love, prayers, healing, peace,

     
  9. Freedomborn

    October 29, 2011 at 7:45 am

    Hi Jeffrey I’m sorry I didn’t respond sooner I keep having to join up with everyone again, not sure why but I’m not getting your posts so did not know you wrote this.

    Well you know a little about my loss but as I said at the time it must be so much harder for you when you have held your little Caleb and watched him grow. The hardest thing for me to accept was not holding my babies or seeing what they looked like I still wonder today, at the time I didn’t even give them a name, although I have in my heart now, as I did know the 3 stillborn ones were girls. but God has filled my empty arms with other peoples children and I have known much Joy.

    I realised along the way it was not God who took my babies from me it was a fallen world and with one of the babies a wrong choice but I give thanks that they didn’t suffer and they have only known Joy. God is not the Author of pain and suffering, He dos not allow it, He tolerates it and He grieves with you Jeffrey as He does with me.

    I wrote a poem about my 7 Babies, below is the Link, I did not intend to write it, like my other poetry it just flowed but it comforted me greatly, because I had been told that my babies were in hell, I knew this was wrong teaching and I had the Scriptures to refute it, still it left a seed of doubt but in this poem God reassured me as He did with the other poems but for other reasons.

    http://freedomborn.wordpress.com/2011/09/22/jesus-holds-my-babies/

    I value and appreciate your honesty Jeffery, you don’t wear a mask and also your willingness to allow us to comfort you, we all Love you in the Lord and that is a very strong bond.

    Christian Love Anne

     
  10. Jeffrey Miskell

    October 29, 2011 at 8:06 am

    Thank you Anne. I really enjoy your presence here. I am so very thankful to God that he has blessed me with wonderful readers such as you. Each and every one of you all I consider little slices of Gods love and his attempt to comfort my family and I. It is working. I love each and every one of you all and God Bless. One day we all meet in heaven, wont that be great!

     

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